Yoo hoo! Here’s me wandering in with acup of tea in hand looking bemused. The older I get – the more of my teen idols are lost – most recently Bowie and RIckman – a few weeks back Lemme. I feel sad and cross. Not that my sense of the unfairness of things – will change anything.
I’ve dug out and shared achingly beautiful images of Bowie – in remembrance of my first love and, along with everyone else, I’ve wondered about the lyrics of his track Lazarus while watching his poignant and heartbreaking last video.
When I was a teenager – me and a friend lied to our parents, each claiming to be going to a sleepover at the other’s house – while plotting to go to London to see Bowie in concert. We were foiled by her little brother – and his big mouth. She got the strap and I got away with it!
I’ve been struggling to write something about letting go all week. In fact it’s the inability to let go of fear of imperfection that has been resolutely getting in my way. When I sit down to write – nothing is turning up. I don’t mean I’m without inspiration. I know what I want to write about – I mean that even putting myself in the way of the writing – there is no flow, no charm, no wit. I have written pages and ditched them because I don’t recognise the voice. I feel dull, sad – tight.
I need to let go – and I am finding it really fucking hard. So I thought a short declaration might do it: Here goes!
I am letting go of worrying about whether or not I’m good enough to write on my own blog. Seriously Luli – how much of a ninny do you need to be to be frightened of your own creation? Ah now we’re getting somewhere.
I’m letting go of the judgement I’ve internalised just be being a woman. I’m letting go of the fear that I am too gobby, too dumb, too clever, too unprofessional, too untutored, too up my self, too fat, too old, too unpretty. Who told me that? I dunno – it’s some form of auto-control – or control by proxy.
For whom exactly? (By the way I’m letting go of the need to check if that is the correct construction. Grammar nazis can shove it up their backsides along with a full set of misused apostrophe’s! HAH…!! HAHA!! ‘S.)
Or for what? Way, way too much energy is spent on self editing. What you wear, what you say, what you eat, think – I mean really – REALLY think. I realise the world would be a tricky place if every woman decided to say what was truly on her mind. But oh oh oh – after we’d got that rat-shit off our chests – we’d be flying wouldn’t we? Free to create, to run up and down the high street in whatever ridiculous outfit took our fancy – yelling ‘UP YOURS!’ Or whatever else we felt.
I’m going to let go of self censure when it hurts me. I shall march about with determination and vigour and from now on – I fully intend to ignore those deeply critical inner voices that tell me I can’t, I mustn’t, I shouldn’t… And that includes the voices that manifest in the really real. Seems to me that sometimes, I have attracted those external opinions because of deeply held opinions bubbling up from my own psyche. Well – whatever the psychological truth of that may be – they can all do one.
I am letting go of that crap and I have decided that I bloody can. I shall be the little blogger that could.
I am letting go of feeling guilty because I want to spend my time on my own projects.
I am letting go of worry about cash – fuck it – We’re ALL in that boat and worrying about it won’t make a difference. Being bold and getting on with things might though. I have always been a great believer in trust and gratitude – but it is a discipline. You have to practice these things regularly – it has to seep into your conscious my love if you are going to let go into abundance and let the universe fling some of the good gear your way.
Yeah I’m letting go of worrying what people think of my hand-stitched approach to life too.
I’m working on letting go of endlessly stressing about food too – or more accurately being afraid that food will make me fat and while I’m at it, I’m chucking out the scales and the calorie tracker – my constant companions and personal bullies for the last 10 years. Yeah you read me right. I am replacing all diet notions with a simple promise to myself to eat according to my body’s needs – to be mindful about when I am hungry and thirsty and what it is my body craves.
Now I’ve no doubt I won’t necessarily manage to dump this lot off without a backward glance. I’m almost certainly going to have to add a letting go caveat – that allows me to let go of stressing about not successfully letting go. However I am going to give this letting go lark a red hot go – and I will trust that all this letting go will free up a significant amount of free time, space and mental capacity.
I just need to let go of the guilt driven desire to fill that all up with ‘doing good works’.
Let’s all let go of having to be 100% productive 100% occupied for 100% of the time.
Stay in your jimjams, stare out of the window, sloth about on the sofa a while – go for a walk if you must – but let it be aimless – and because you feel like it – not because you need to make your steps target for the day. Walk, run, sit, think for pleasure.
Stop judging yourself. You’re too hard on yourself.
I know I am.